How To Be Less of an Asshole in 2015

How To Not Be an Asshole Be Less of an Asshole in 2015

Ahh yes, New Year’s. A holiday whose only value is its proximity to Christmas, making it okay to take multiple weeks off from work. I hate New Year’s for a myriad of reasons, but foremost among them is the pressure and shaming to “have a good time” on New Year’s Eve and then “start doing something” on New Year’s Day and continue doing whatever that is the rest of the year. Compared to other holiday’s that’s might presumptuous and fucking demanding. You don’t own me, New Year’s!

Anyway, in my quest to be less of an asshole this year I actually started yesterday… by not posting my anti-New Year’s screed until after you all had a chance to shame yourselves into doing something. I was in bed with my dog at 11, because I’m recovering from a cold and because fuck New Year’s. I also didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions until the New Year, but that’s mostly out of laziness.

I don’t really believe in New Year’s resolutions. I think the idea of picking a relatively arbitrary starting point to better yourself is… well… dumb. But, I can get down on the idea of a clean slate. I’d prefer it to me a little more absolute, though. See, we’re all still carrying our baggage into 2015, we’re just trying to stuff it deep into the back of our minds to curdle and fester, but whatever. This is clean enough to eat off of, so let’s go for it:

Resolution #1: Get in Shape, Fat-Ass

I am both lucky and unlucky that the “best shape of my life” is readily attainable, mostly because it was never all that impressive. I also never let myself slip quite as far as I originally did when I was skirting two-bills. 200 pounds on a 5’9″ frame with zero muscle, does not a pretty picture make. Which brings me to 2015’s motivation: St. Croix. Last July I went to Sanibel for a beach vacation with some friends, and let’s just say that I was less than pleased with the pictures of me (because I am vain, but also fat). So this year I’m taking a trip in March with my family to St. Croix. That gives me about two and a half months (or roughly 10-12 weeks) to drop about 10 pounds and 5% bodyfat. That’s my goal.

Resolution #2: Read a Book, Dumb-Ass

I plan to read 100 30 12 10 books in 2015. There are people who do this almost by accident. Fuck those people. I read someone’s resolutions were they successfully read 100 books in a year. I started crunching the numbers on that and it’s about a book every three-and-a-half days. No way I could do that. A book every ten days? Probably not gonna happen. A book a month… maybe. A book about every 36.5 days? Okay, sure that’s doable. So 10 is the target.

Resolution #3: Stop Abusing Alcohol, Drunk-Ass

I’ve rambled about my relationship with alcohol in the past, and I don’t want to dwell on it here, mostly because I think it’s self-indulgent and belittling to people struggling with real problems. This is not a “quit a vice” resolution. I enjoy alcohol, but I have centered too much of my life around drinking it. Aimless drinking, like aimless snacking, is a waste of booze and time. Later this year, I will turn 29 and enter my 30th year of existence. It’s probably high-time to face my problems instead of attempting to drown them under a wave of tequila and Fireball. Also, stop drunk tweeting.

Resolution #4: Eat Healthier, Junk-Ass

There is a family-sized bag of Smartfood, a bag of honey mustard pretzels, and two quarts of chocolate peanut-butter ice cream in my house at the moment. There will come a moment this year where I will have to eat some, if not all, of those things because I paid money for them and I don’t believe in wasting pseudo-food. My goal is to not buy any more junk food unless I’m entertaining (ha!). I’ve recently started to cook myself vegetarian meals. Don’t get too alarmed, I don’t plan to give up meat any time soon (like, ever), but I do think I’ve been neglecting a lot of veggies and fruits in my diet. So my goal is to have a more balanced diet in 2015, and to limit red meat to post-workout meals when it’ll be most beneficial. Ditto to non-fibrous carbs (i.e. no veggie carbs). I know that just because of laziness I will definitely miss the mark on this multiple times (a week), but it will still be healthier for me than the “meat at every meal” diet I’ve been on since 2004.

Resolution #5: Get Published, uh… Fuckstick

I didn’t expect to have this many resolutions, so I ran out of self-deprecations. This is one of those long-shot resolutions that I will cheat on if it gets down to Christmas 2015 and just self-publish. The goal is, more accurately, to finish a short story I’m working on and making it fucking good enough that people will read it. I don’t give a shit if they like it, just have it no suck so bad they stop after three paragraphs (which is, coincidentally, 2.5 more than I’ve written already). My purpose here is to suss out whether my delusions of being a writer are just that, or if maybe I don’t suck. Maybe.

Enough Already

I’m closing in on 1,000 words here so let me wrap up. I expect to revisit these resolutions and be embarrassed by how shamefully off  the mark I was. So look for that blog post in December. Until then, good luck being less of an asshole.

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